Monday, April 23, 2012

How to Write a Passive-Aggressive Letter

There are times in life when a situation requires a passive-aggressive letter. I, personally, have experienced several of these dilemmas since I moved into the dorms. Passive-aggressive letters are appropriate and necessary for a number of situations, usually involving slight annoyances and a desire to minimize drama and offense and maximize the chances that you can resist murdering anyone.  Now, because brilliant sarcasm does not always come naturally, I have written for you a basic guide to writing your very own passive aggressive letter. Please note the first example below.

Step 1.      The intro.  When addressing the target party, be sure to make an extremely general address (even though everyone will know who it is talking about) This allows you to feign ignorance if called out.  You can also begin with something to the effect of "To whoever is leaving socks that reek like the pit of Hell on the floor" (insert your own particular crime or annoyance).  This introduces a bit of humor to begin with and could allow you to express your true feelings on the matter without being too terribly offensive.

Step 2.      The body.  Obviously, now that you have grabbed the attention in a good, general, introduction, there are several different techniques you can use to get your point across.

                          A. Personification. This can be seen in the second sentence of example #1.  Make your English teacher proud and redirect the attention from you, pretending as though the offense itself is the protester, not you.

                                B. Provide overly simplistic directions to accomplish the desired result, as seen in example #1.  If you wish, you can even cite the steps from a source such as, just be sure to add a sarcastic twist to the original direction.  While giving a slightly patronizing air, the steps also ensure that the person sincerely does realize how to accomplish the task.

C. Exaggeration. This is demonstrated in point 4 of example #1 and the first paragraph of example #2.  You can clearly never go wrong with making the connection between the end of the world and the behavior you're trying to put an end to.

Example #2

D.  Threats.  This is demonstrated at the end of example #2.  Just note that all threats should be humorous because if the person were to be murdered you don’t want the police to find documentation of a threat of violence that had been written by you (I watch enough crime shows to think of these things.) Also remember that this is a passive-aggressive letter…not just an aggressive letter.

                                  E. Stylization. This is most strongly demonstrated in example #2.   This is a quick way to ensure that your hostility is masked by light-hearted feelings.  This technique also allows you to use words that are not necessarily real, which is always a good time for the writer.

Step 3. The ending.  Remember to end in a way that is not only a call to action, but also humorous, to prevent hostility towards you as the writer.  Because believe it or not, not everyone appreciates the great art of sarcasm.   

                I know. It’s tragic

Now that you have learned my secrets to writing a passive-aggressive letter, I urge you to write responsibly, for sarcasm often falls upon deaf ears.  And also, I would love to read your passive aggressive letters, so feel free to send them to me.

P.S. To my lovely roommate/suitemates, my letters were not written out of annoyance, but out of a love for the underappreciated art of sarcastic writing. But seriously, if you don’t take out the trash, I WILL let Cletus Oglethorpe the demon fish loose on you…

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Curse of the Clampus Cletus

Being the responsible adult I am I decided a few months ago that I would finally take the next step in life: Owning my very own pet. Now, since I live in a dorm with about two square feet of walking space (for serious) the obvious recipient of my tender love and care was a fish and thanks to an old suitemate, Heather, I was soon the parent to a beautiful blue betta named Cletus Oglethorpe. 
Cletus is a ravishing, iridescent blue, about three and a half inches long, and lives in a small fish bowl on my desk.  My excitement and excessive affection for the little fish was, however, short lived. We began to have problems about a week after I adopted him.
 They began with his nasty case of clinical strength fish BO. Now I know betta fish have a tendency to stink up a tank fairly quickly, in fact, I've had a betta before (named scarlet fever to be exact).  However, my little Cletus has the unique ability to spread a whale sized odor throughout a perfectly clean bowl and into my suite, not just my room, but the entire suite in a matter of a week.  I have no doubt that left to his own devices, Mr. Oglethorpe's unique stench will have permeated the entire third floor and eventually all of South Hall.
Next is my issue with his questionable intelligence level.  I have reached a dilemma in deciding whether Cletus is incredibly smart or intolerably stupid.  He has spent the majority of his life running repeatedly into his small, plastic, glow-in-the-dark plant (named Ethel), getting his head stuck under his little glass pebbles, and playing dead by floating belly up at the top of his bowl.  Now I have two theories about this suspicious behavior:
 A. He could be abnormally smart and trying to escape the confines of his little fish bowl by exploring and playing dead (because all drains lead to the ocean). However, this theory does not explain the head smashing with pebbles...a scare tactic perhaps?
 B. He could be abnormally stupid and simply trying to entertain himself through self-harm and bouts of insanity followed by a lapse in his memory of how to breathe.
Now the last and most worrisome of his issues is our growing dislike for one another.  He gives me an unmistakable stink face when I look at him and I swear he has growled at me three times now. Yes. He has indeed growled.
Welcome to my life.
 Now these issues have left me with a dilemma because unfortunately I don't think it's ethical to flush a fish down the toilet on the grounds of body odor and unusual behavior. So here I am, stuck in an owner/fish relationship that neither of us are happy about. So we have made an unspoken pact to ignore one another. I feed him once a day and he doesn't growl at me leaving us with a deal we can both live with.