In celebration of my recent 19th
birthday, following a delicious and elegant birthday dinner, my parents took
Addy and I to the drive-in to see Snow White and the Huntsman. I thoroughly
enjoyed both the movie and the atmosphere (although I had to restrain myself
from verbally abusing Mr. Nipple Piercings, his side kick, Manorexic Man, and
their merry band of ridiculous Giggle-A-Lots. However, that is another story
entirely.)
The movie, being a dark fairy tale,
was right up my alley. The special effects were absolutely phenomenal, the
cinematography was brilliant, and of course, who doesn’t enjoy watching a
Helmsworth brother traipse around a forest for a couple hours? Now the evil
queen, she was my favorite. She was bad to the very core, and I can respect
that. If you’re going to be evil, you have to commit, none of that secret hard
of gold crap. No. You have to be a full blown, eating dead birds with your
fingernails, heartless, graceless being. (This is obviously why God only
blessed me with limited power over other people.)
Now, I know you all are really here
to read my feelings on the epileptic hummingbird (AKA Kristin Stewart). I will
begin with the positives. For starters, the only reason she got the role is
because the part of Snow White consisted of approximately fifteen lines and one
monologue throughout the entire movie, the rest of the time was spent running about
and looking confused, which can easily be substituted by sheer
expressionlessness, Kristin’s specialty. It failed to ruin the movie for me only
because Chris Helmsworth’s sheer gorgeousness managed to somewhat compensate
for the failed attempt at acting by Stewart. My only complaint against that
fine, fine looking man is the one slow motion exclamation of “WILLIAM!!!” Which
actually came out “WHALE-YAM” Go ahead. Read that slow motion with a Scottish
accent.
As for the negatives: (please keep
in mind while reading this that a similar stream of criticism was running
constantly in my head throughout the entire movie, and most of my life in
general, for that matter, and always in a British accent. I stopped trying to
explain it to myself long ago.)
First off, ever since discovering
that Kristin was chosen to play the role of Snow White, it has completely
dumbfounded me that they apparently couldn’t find someone else in Hollywood
that was prettier and better at acting to agree to get paid an ungodly amount
of money to run around with a Helmsworth brother for a considerable amount of
time. Not that Kristin Stewart isn’t pretty, but all I’m saying is that for the
“fairest in the land” she sure went cross eyed a lot. Perhaps that’s just my ethnocentric
attitude speaking. I’m sure that many other cultures find stuttering,
compulsive blinking, and cross-eyedness the epitome of attractiveness.
There were several close-ups of her
face as she rode a horse that about brought me to tears. The look of utter
confusion and sheer terror confirmed my suspicion that she was, indeed, scared
of horses. That, or she had hemorrhoids, in which case I will eagerly retract my criticism
on the scene. However, that theory is
made unlikely by the fact that she exhibited the exact same face in the first
Twilight as Edward fought to stop drinking her blood, which actually appeared
to be a long struggle with a very thick milkshake.
It took me a while to decide if she
was speaking in a poorly done British accent, or if she was having an allergic
reaction to something she had at breakfast that morning. Perhaps some sort of
melon or nut? Anyways, what finally confirmed my suspicion that she was,
indeed, in medical distress was the constant manly grunting which took place
anytime she ran or exerted herself in any manner whatsoever. Poor thing! The
life of an actress is so terrible that they wouldn’t give her ten minutes to
administer an allergy shot. But alas, the show must go on.
My next complaint is on an issue
that is not unique to this movie in particular. In fact, it’s quite common
really. Why on earth would two people kiss when obviously neither of them have
bathed or brushed their teeth in a disgustingly long period of time. That my
friends, is not okay. Romanticism officially ends with excessive mouth
bacteria.
Don’t even get me started on
kissing dead people.
Now, I sincerely have nothing
against Kristin Stewart. She seems to be a nice young woman. I simply feel that
others, such as myself, would be a much better actress. Not that I’m bitter or
anything.
In conclusion, I recommend the
movie with no hesitation despite everything written above. It really was
fabulous.
