Saturday, June 30, 2012

Movie Review: Snow White and the Huntsman (No spoilers, just an abnormal amount of cleverness and sarcasm)

In celebration of my recent 19th birthday, following a delicious and elegant birthday dinner, my parents took Addy and I to the drive-in to see Snow White and the Huntsman. I thoroughly enjoyed both the movie and the atmosphere (although I had to restrain myself from verbally abusing Mr. Nipple Piercings, his side kick, Manorexic Man, and their merry band of ridiculous Giggle-A-Lots. However, that is another story entirely.)

The movie, being a dark fairy tale, was right up my alley. The special effects were absolutely phenomenal, the cinematography was brilliant, and of course, who doesn’t enjoy watching a Helmsworth brother traipse around a forest for a couple hours? Now the evil queen, she was my favorite. She was bad to the very core, and I can respect that. If you’re going to be evil, you have to commit, none of that secret hard of gold crap. No. You have to be a full blown, eating dead birds with your fingernails, heartless, graceless being. (This is obviously why God only blessed me with limited power over other people.)

Now, I know you all are really here to read my feelings on the epileptic hummingbird (AKA Kristin Stewart). I will begin with the positives. For starters, the only reason she got the role is because the part of Snow White consisted of approximately fifteen lines and one monologue throughout the entire movie, the rest of the time was spent running about and looking confused, which can easily be substituted by sheer expressionlessness, Kristin’s specialty. It failed to ruin the movie for me only because Chris Helmsworth’s sheer gorgeousness managed to somewhat compensate for the failed attempt at acting by Stewart. My only complaint against that fine, fine looking man is the one slow motion exclamation of “WILLIAM!!!” Which actually came out “WHALE-YAM” Go ahead. Read that slow motion with a Scottish accent.

As for the negatives: (please keep in mind while reading this that a similar stream of criticism was running constantly in my head throughout the entire movie, and most of my life in general, for that matter, and always in a British accent. I stopped trying to explain it to myself long ago.)

First off, ever since discovering that Kristin was chosen to play the role of Snow White, it has completely dumbfounded me that they apparently couldn’t find someone else in Hollywood that was prettier and better at acting to agree to get paid an ungodly amount of money to run around with a Helmsworth brother for a considerable amount of time. Not that Kristin Stewart isn’t pretty, but all I’m saying is that for the “fairest in the land” she sure went cross eyed a lot. Perhaps that’s just my ethnocentric attitude speaking. I’m sure that many other cultures find stuttering, compulsive blinking, and cross-eyedness the epitome of attractiveness.

There were several close-ups of her face as she rode a horse that about brought me to tears. The look of utter confusion and sheer terror confirmed my suspicion that she was, indeed, scared of horses. That, or she had hemorrhoids, in which case I will eagerly retract my criticism on the scene.  However, that theory is made unlikely by the fact that she exhibited the exact same face in the first Twilight as Edward fought to stop drinking her blood, which actually appeared to be a long struggle with a very thick milkshake.

It took me a while to decide if she was speaking in a poorly done British accent, or if she was having an allergic reaction to something she had at breakfast that morning. Perhaps some sort of melon or nut? Anyways, what finally confirmed my suspicion that she was, indeed, in medical distress was the constant manly grunting which took place anytime she ran or exerted herself in any manner whatsoever. Poor thing! The life of an actress is so terrible that they wouldn’t give her ten minutes to administer an allergy shot. But alas, the show must go on.

My next complaint is on an issue that is not unique to this movie in particular. In fact, it’s quite common really. Why on earth would two people kiss when obviously neither of them have bathed or brushed their teeth in a disgustingly long period of time. That my friends, is not okay. Romanticism officially ends with excessive mouth bacteria.

Don’t even get me started on kissing dead people.

Now, I sincerely have nothing against Kristin Stewart. She seems to be a nice young woman. I simply feel that others, such as myself, would be a much better actress. Not that I’m bitter or anything.

In conclusion, I recommend the movie with no hesitation despite everything written above. It really was fabulous.

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