Friday, May 4, 2012

Confessions of a College Freshman

As my second semester of finals rolls by and my first year of college comes to a close, I have been reminded of the many lessons that the college experience has taught me. They are much more than principles of algebra or history dates (because, let's face it, I knew all those anyways), but rather, they are the true reflection of the very heart and soul of what college is about. After all, are not the lessons of life worth abundantly more than any knowledge a professor can teach? So here is my newly learned list of life's statutes and principles:
1. When taking notes, it is impossible for one to appropriately abbreviate the word "assassin." I have tried to dissect the word every possible way only to find that no matter what you do, it always ends up being PG-13.
2. Before walking into a room in your underwear, one should make sure that the person who lives there is not on skype. This will save you from a majorly awkward situation in which a random guy asks you to join his band. And if a random guy should ask you to join his band, say yes and then promptly continue to sing as loud and off key as humanly possible while dancing like Richard Simmons.
3. If you choose to wear flip flops to class, make sure you are one of the last ones to leave the classroom, that way if you happen to trip and fall down the stairs, you're entire class won't witness it.
4. Fish can, and will, shelter the spirits of evil historical figures such as Hitler, Genghis Kahn, or Nero. If this happens, you are screwed and they will haunt you forever and possibly turn you into a vampire when you die.
5. Football players (not all of them, just the Big Uglies) think that you wearing makeup and you not wearing makeup are two different people. When this happens, go with it. First rule of improv, never deny anything! You can convince them of an entire alter-ego and they will never know the difference.
6. Never ever, under any circumstances whatsoever, no matter what, without hesitation, ever, give cafeteria food the benefit of the doubt. If it looks like it's moving, it's not your imagination, it probably is. If it appears to be a questionable color, it's not the lighting or your contacts or the shadow of the Big Ugly hovering hungrily behind you, it really is actually the color of space matter. If this happens to you, DO NOT EAT IT! Dispose of it immediately, or try to pawn in off on the group of creepers loitering outside of the building.
7. Always check under your bed before you go to sleep. There could be a suitemate under there.
8. When struggling to write an essay to a certain specified length requirement, fill it with words such as "henceforth," "alas," "indeed," "whomsoever," ect. Not only will such elaborately lovely language tack on quite a bit of length to your paper, but it will also make you seem twice as intelligent as the paper would lead one to believe otherwise. This also works on essay questions presented in exams because by the time the professor has sifted through your paragraph about "the many recompenses of capitalism, alas, there are far too great a number to name them each in the reasonable amount of time awarded me on this inquiry," they won't even remember what the question was in the first place. But they do know however that they didn't understand a third of what you wrote but it sounded exceedingly intelligent and in an attempt to not, in turn, seem more ignorant than a student, award you with a marvelous grade although neither of you really knew what you were talking about in the first place.
9. When feeling threatened, by Big Uglies in particular, the best thing to do is make yourself as unattractive as possible in a short amount of time. This can be accomplished the quickest by drooling, making a stink face, or hunching over and dragging your back foot. In case of an emergency, act as if you have seen a bear, meaning put your jacket and/or backpack above your head to make them think you are bigger than you actually are. Then make as much noise as possible (whale speak works best) and charge at the suspicious figures. They will indeed, in that moment, be far more scared of you than you are of them.
10. Avoid making 48 cupcakes in your room with the intent of being friendly and passing them around to fellow dorm-livers. Apparently that's creepy and not only will you be forever shunned by a fourth of the student body, but you will also be stuck with 48 cupcakes taking over your dorm room. I mean, do I look like the type to poison someone with a delicious baby-sized desert made of love and chocolate? (Don't answer that)

In conclusion, college can be safe and fun if you will simply follow these 10 easy guidelines. Some of us had to learn these things the hard way.

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