Saturday, May 26, 2012

The Root of All Incompetence: Vampire Novels

I believe there is one core cause of the demise of society, one issue leading to the very degradation of all we know of as fundamentally good and moral, one factor which has broken down our values to a disproportional teetering mass of social issues balanced on a thread of sanity: Poorly written vampire novels. Now you may think I’m joking, but sadly, I am not, and I have good, solid evidence to back up this purely scientific theory.

The decline of society is something blaringly obvious to anyone that can be defined as sane and competent (therefore, radical liberals don’t count), and can be traced back to a mass change in reading patterns worldwide. A hundred and fifty years ago, by the time one would reach their teenage years, young men would be entering, or even graduating from prestigious universities, such as Harvard, and young women were writing epic novels under pennames between chimney cleanings and performing nursing duties. They could recite each and every passage of Shakespeare’s plays and sonnets to their sweethearts and practiced the great discipline of daily journaling.  

Now-a-days, anyone between the ages of 10 and 30 can be found sitting in their mom’s basement playing mindless video games and thinking that a synonym is a kind of meth. Instead of writing long, elaborate letters in artistic calligraphy, they text their companions, “I is gonna go 2 party. Is U?” These, ladies and gentlemen are the leaders of tomorrow, and quite frankly, the leaders of today.

So what happened to the competence of mankind you might ask?

Vampire novels.

Books have been the cornerstone of a society for as long as they have been around.  Les Miserable, A Tale of Two Cities, and Pride and Prejudice have exalted wit and intelligence. Utopia, The Republic, and Two Treatise of Government have shaped the thinking of our Founding Fathers and even the very Constitution that governs our nation. These used to be the books commonly read by both children and adults. Now however, even grow women, and yes, the occasional grown man (if that’s what you want to call him) curl up at night with a paper-back copy of Fangs of Love, reading about an ignorant heroine and her two lovers, a sparkling vampire that she met when he tried to eat her Chihuahua and a werewolf that smells like puppy love and man sweat.

This ladies and gentlemen, is the future of our nation: Chihuahuas and shirtless man sweat.

Imagine if all the Founding Fathers had read were poorly written vampire novels. We would live in a nation where it would be perfectly legal for people to call dibs on drinking the blood of those on death row, all politicians would wear capes and lipstick, and Native Americans would be forced to wear dog collars and be kept as the occasional family pet. Not to mention our Constitution would be worded “Ya, so all us people up in here want to not fight no more so we’s gonna make us some rules to follow so the vampires don’t suck us dry.” Endearing, isn’t it?

Let’s face it; no one wants to live in a world of repetitive sentence structure.

While William Shakespeare had a working vocabulary of 50,000 words, Americans today have a working vocabulary of 3,000 (although I like to think I use at least 1,000 more than most). Communication skills have obviously backslidden. This, I believe the aftermath of corny literature written by idiots who choose to make a few bucks off copy-cat writing.
Therefore, I suggest that we perform a public book burning of all plot-repetitive, ignorance-saturated vampire novels which are the very cause of all society’s issues. If you haven’t put two and two together yet, I’m equating vampire novels with the root of all stupidity. If you are one of the people who enjoy these little booklets of evil, there is hope for you yet. Real literature and competent story plots are only a library trip away, just don’t be tempted by the four aisles of crap books covered in pale shirtless men with wonky nipples

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