Friday, November 16, 2012

Movie Review: Breaking Dawn Part 2

SPOILER ALERT: This blog is infinitely more well-written than the actual movie and/or book. So be prepared to join me on the dark side.

                Finally, the movie that the entire population of North America has been waiting for: Breaking Dawn: Part 2. I, myself, have been anxiously awaiting the day when the last of these movies are made so that the fad can finally die out and hopefully be replaced with something a bit more sophisticated.  I know, I know, we live in the 21st century where anything with a sappy love story and shirtless men is considered good entertainment, so I’m not getting my hopes up. But in celebration of the end of the Twilight era, I stood in line with a crapload of giggling Twihards and settled in to watch the fifth and final movie accompanied by my trusty notepad to make sure I didn’t miss a thing.

                The fun began with some kind of pitiful attempt at being artsy fartsy, because as you know, artistic visual poetry is always the best way to begin an epic movie.  We were bombarded with two second flashes of different variations of ice and rose pictures.  For a full three minutes we endured an intense visual collage…first there was a rose…then some ice…then a rose again…then more ice…then a rose….then holy Toledo!!! An icy rose!!!!  Mind. Blown.   

Now, once the actual movie began I immediately wondered why the heck Edward’s face was being eaten by giant fuzzy caterpillars. I mean, someone needs to pluck the man’s freaking eyebrows.  Whoever was in charge of that needs to be found and strangled.  Don’t try to tell me that not one of the make-up artists on that set noticed that he has stray hairs all the way to his ears. Unless the eyebrow-bush is a new trend that I’m unaware of, the hero of the story needs to appear at least slightly groomed.  So logically, either Robert has some sort of severe fear of tweezers or a demented eyebrow fetish.

Just take a few moments and look at those suckers. I can’t tell where they end…


      Now, of course I couldn’t get far without some good, quality criticisms about Kristin Stewart.  There’s this lovely little romantic scene where she and Mr. Eyebrows go gallivanting through the forest to hunt.  Thank God it didn’t take Bella long to make her first kill because apparently when she’s a hungry vampire, she makes some kind of awkward cross-eyed stink face accompanied by the occasional snorty grunt noise that was just awkward and unattractive all around.  Lucky for her, it seemed to turn on her husband ( it must be a vampire thing) and they had their first session of kinky vampire sex. I don’t have much to say about that scene except that I was horrified whenever glitter and stars appeared floating around Bella’s head as they got it on.  Whatever that was, I don’t think it’s normal and she should probably get that checked out by a doctor…who incidentally is her father-in-law who has superhuman hearing. If that’s not an awkward life, I don’t know what is.  She also continues to struggle with going cross-eyed at she gazes at her lover. Why doesn’t she just close her eyes while kissing like everyone you might ask? She probably can’t peel her eyes from those eyebrows…she wants to look away but can’t…


                Now, something that I have heard even die-hard twilight fans comment on is the freakiness of the vampire baby.  That disturbing little love child was born of computer animation and poorly contrived artificial baby coos. And frankly, ain’t nobody got time for dat.  And to quote the guy that sat behind me… “Dude! That thing looks like the freaking E*trade baby!”  I think the person in charge of Robert’s eyebrows was in charge of creating this baby…

                Don’t even get me started on the whole “imprinting” thing with Jacob and Renesmee .  I know it’s all like he just wants to protect her no matter what blah blah blah…but isn’t that technically what love is anyway?  So just let it sink in that a WOLFMAN just fell madly in love with a FAKE BABY.


                Now, I’ve read the books and all that, so I should have seen it coming, but it took me a full five minutes to decide if the Volturi was an elite clan of vampires or a stoner band from the 70’s and their merry gang of crack whores.

                But seriously…


                Now the Cullen’s little army of good hearted vampires had problems of their own.  To begin with, apparently the vampire standard of beauty and perfection  is skin stretched so tightly over a skull by a plastic surgeon that facial expressions are virtually impossible.  Where the heck did they find all these people?! I can just see the advertisement now... “WANTED: People with fake skin, artificial chipmunk cheeks, and noses made from plastic.”



Then there’s these guys.  But, as we all know, no vampire movie is complete without Scandinavian transvestites.   Like, seriously, why is that guy’s head shaped like a reject strawberry with triangle eyes.

                Personally, my favorite vampires were the Irish ones… know…gingers don’t have souls. 

                The actual structure of the movie/book itself was rather pitiful.  The climax was contained in a sequence of events that didn’t actually happen…meaning that the climax didn’t actually happen…meaning there was no plot.  The movie literally consisted of vampire sex, a freaky fake baby, and then a group vampire make-out session.  And the next person who says they “want a love like Edward and Bella’s” gets to be hung upside by their toenails and slapped by a real novel.  EDWARD AND BELLA ARE MYTHICAL CREATURES.  Here’s the actual plot of their love story: the socially inept, awkward girl is immediately picked up by the two hottest people in the tri-state area.  She’s actually a flakey idiot who can’t decide who she loves the most for a ridiculous amount of time.  When they finally get married, she has a fake baby claw its way out of her stomach, her “soul-mate” ironically sucks out her soul, and then they live happily ever after with a group of people who look like the plastic surgery industry threw up all over them. Yeah. Sounds like a party to me too.

                In conclusion, if you enjoy hooded crack whores, computer animated babies, and soulless Barbie dolls who are good for nothing but making-out and looking good, then this movie is for you.

                Also, anyone who enjoys these books/movies is required to read a classic novel by a Russian author before they are allowed to argue with me.

             The End.



  1. First comment!!!

    I don't know, as someone who stumbled upon the trailer for Anna Karenina, I thought it didn't sound bad. Wolves fighting vampires, feral women, sounds like a good time. I didn't see it though.

    Ok, I'm cracking up now. I love this article!

  2. That was entertaining, lol, you said everything i thought you would. You definitely should be a critic so you could get paid for this stuff!